


You’ll Never Be Forgotten

by MysteriousMidnight



Series: Dear Evan Hansen One Shots [4]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: All The Usual Warnings for Dear Evan Hansen, Angst, Anxiety, BandTrees, Basically the musical but if Connor and Evan had actually been friends, Depression, Explicit Language, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Zoevan, platonic friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24854938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysteriousMidnight/pseuds/MysteriousMidnight
Summary: What if Evan and Connor really WERE friends when Connor took his life? How would things unfold?
Series: Dear Evan Hansen One Shots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757371
Comments: 16
Kudos: 62





	You’ll Never Be Forgotten

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NonExistantArtist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NonExistantArtist/gifts).



> This was SUPER hard and emotional to write. I don't do well (emotionally) with writing Dead Connor. But it was also oddly.. cathartic? Idk. I just hope you guys love it, despite how sad it is. 
> 
> ALSO PLEASE NOTE THIS HAS TIME JUMPS NEAR THE END!!! I tried to make them stand out as much as possible, but there's a "one month later" and a "three months later" and a "one year later" time jump.
> 
> Thank you to NonExistantArtist for sending in this one shot request!

“Evan.”

“Evan.”

“Mr. Hansen, snap out of it.”

“Maybe we should call his mother.”

“Maybe we should call an _ambulance_.”

The voices all floated together, but Evan ignored them all. He couldn’t get the words out of his head. Couldn’t process them at all.

Connor had taken his own life.

Connor was gone.

His best friend was gone.

“Evan?”

Evan flinched, finally making eye contact with someone kneeling before him.

“M-mom?”

How long had he been spaced out for? How had his mom gotten there so quickly?

“Hey, bud, yeah,” Heidi said gently, resting a hand on his leg. He flinched away. But she kept it there. “You alright? You had everyone pretty worried.”

Evan glanced up, eyes widening. Mr. Howard was there, and so was Mrs. Newman, the vice principal. Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, though, were noticeably absent.

“Hey, Evan, can you look at me?”

Evan glanced back at his mom. She reached up and stroked his hair. That was all it took. He fell forward into her arms, sobbing. She wrapped her arms around him, rubbing soothing circles into his back.

“It’s okay,” she said softly, nuzzling into his neck. “It’s going to be okay, sweetheart.”

“No,” Evan snapped, pulling away. He stood so suddenly, the chair fell backwards. He started pacing the room, fisting his hands in his hair. “No, it’s not. How can it be? How can it ever fucking be okay again?”

Heidi winced, but didn’t scold him for his language. She approached him cautiously, hands held before her in a placating gesture.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it now, Evan, but I promise, you’ll get through this. I’ll _help_ you get through this.”

“No,” Evan cried, lip trembling. “He’s _gone_! How can he be- he can’t be- I _just_ spoke to him a few days ago- I...” He let out a gut-wrenching cry, falling to his knees. Heidi knelt in front of him, trying to pull him back in. He snarled at her, slapping her hands away. “No! Don’t touch me! No!” But Heidi kept pushing until he collapsed into her arms, sobbing again.

“We’ll leave you two alone. Take all the time you need,” Mrs. Newman said softly.

Mr. Howard nodded. “When you’re ready, you can just take Evan home. He’s excused for the rest of the week, if he needs it. We’ll have Mr. Kleinman gather his homework each day.”

Heidi nodded, rubbing Evan’s back as he sobbed into her shoulder. They left, and it was just Evan and Heidi.

She felt... so stupid and clueless. She’d had _no idea_ her son had made a friend - something she’d been pushing him to do, something she’d hoped would help him. And now the friend he’d made - the friend she hadn’t even known about - was gone. She’d seen Evan have panic attacks before. She’d seen him cry and hyperventilate and fall apart. But she’d never seen him break down so completely. She was scared, and she didn’t know how to help her son. So she just held him until his sobs became whimpers, and then sniffles.

“Are you ready to go home?” Heidi asked gently. When Evan nodded into her arms, she helped him stand and walked him out into the main office, where the Murphy’s stood with Mr. Howard, talking in low voices. When they saw Heidi and Evan, though, they stopped.

Mrs. Murphy pulled away from her husband, worrying a tissue between her fingers. Pieces hit the ground like breadcrumbs, as her husband gently urged her to come back.

“Evan,” she said softly. Evan flinched, but looked at her. “I- Thank you.” Evan stared at her, eyes wide. She must have seen the confusion on his face, because she quickly added, “for being there for Connor. For making him feel less alone. I-I know he didn’t... he didn’t win this battle, but at least he had _someone_ who cared.”

She pulled something from her pocket and held it out to him. Heidi frowned at it, barely making out the words “Dear Evan Hansen.”

“You can keep this, if you want. Connor wanted you to have it.”

Evan’s eyes widened in fear. That stupid letter. That letter had caused this whole mess. Connor had been so angry and hurt when he’d read it... His panicked eyes darted to his mother, then back to Mrs. Murphy. He picked at his cast, almost without realizing he was doing it. If his mom saw that note, she’d know it wasn’t Connor’s suicide note. She’d know it was his. She’d know he hadn’t fallen, that he’d jumped.

He shook his head frantically. “Keep it. It’s.. it’s all you have left,” he said flatly, parroting what she’d said earlier, when they’d first confronted him in the principal’s office.

Cynthia nodded, chewing her lip. “If-if you feel up to it.. We - Larry and me - we’d like to have you over for dinner on Friday. We.. we’d love to hear about your friendship with Connor.” She glanced at Heidi. “And, of course, you’re welcome, as well, Mrs. Hansen.”

“Please, call me Heidi.”

Cynthia nodded as Larry walked over, handing Heidi a business card.

“Our home phone number is on the back,” he said, clearing his throat. “We can work out the details later, once you’ve had a chance to-“ He nodded again Evan.

Heidi nodded. “I’m- I’m very sorry for your loss.” She reached into her bag, pulling out pen and paper and scribbling her cell phone on it. She handed it over, then quickly wrapped Evan up in her arms again. “If you need anything, please don’t hesitate.”

Cynthia nodded, before folding herself into Larry’s arms and sobbing. Larry held her, looking slightly uncomfortable. He nodded at Heidi, who quickly steered Evan out of the office and towards the exit.

“Hey! Acorn, wait up!” Jared ran to catch up to them.

“Jared, not now,” Heidi scolded.

“What the hell happened, though?” He demanded, before flinching. “Sorry, I just...”

“It’s Connor,” Heidi said softly, rubbing Evan’s back. “He... he’s- he killed himself.”

Jared’s eyes went wide. “What?? Connor Murphy _offed_ himself?? But... what does that have to do with Evan?”

Heidi frowned. “That’s very insensitive of you, Jared. He just lost his best friend and you’re-“

“ExCUSE me?” Jared choked. “His WHAT?”

Heidi looked from Jared to Evan, who had shuffled out of her arms and was turning red, trying to put as much distance between them and himself as he could.

“I’m sorry, Jared, I really need to get Evan home.” She turned away from him, pulling Evan back and exiting the school.

Evan was silent the whole ride home, resting his head against the window and staring blankly outside. Heidi didn’t push, but Jared’s reaction wouldn’t leave her head. Evan hadn’t told _anyone_ he and Connor were friends? At all? Not even Jared?

When they got home, Evan numbly followed Heidi inside. He still hadn’t spoken, and Heidi was worried he was going to go catatonic on her again.

“Why don’t you go take a hot shower and change into something comfortable? I’ll order some pizza and we can watch whatever you want on Netflix, okay?”

Evan nodded, slumping upstairs.

~*~*~

When he came back downstairs an hour later, Heidi was sitting on the couch, a pizza delivery box sitting on the coffee table alongside plates and cans of soda. Netflix was queued up on the television. She patted the couch and he sat. He took the plate he handed her, but just picked at the cheese.

“What do you want to watch?

Evan shrugged. 

“Evan, baby,” Heidi said, turning so she could face him. She took his plate and put it on the coffee table, then grabbed his hands in hers - holding the one attached to his broken arm gently. “Talk to me, Evan, please.”

Evan shook his head, lip trembling. “He was... he was my friend. I just... I can’t believe he’s _gone_.”

Heidi pulled him in for another hug, rubbing his back. “I know, sweetie, I know... But, Evan... I-I’m sorry to ask when this is still so... But did _anyone_ know you were friends..? Jared-“

Evan flinched, pulling away. He pulled his legs up onto the couch, bringing his knees to his chest. He wrapped his arms around them, resting his chin on them.

“N-no one knew. We’ve been friends for, um, awhile now, I-I guess...” he frowned, shrugging. “I guess since, like, maybe February?”

Heidi frowned. February. Evan’s least favorite month, between his birthday and the anniversary of his father leaving.

“Why did you boys keep it a secret..?”

Evan licked his lips, shrugging. “I don’t know,” he mumbled. “Just... Connor was... He was bullied a lot? And I was always... my anxiety... I didn’t like being... I wasn’t very good at people, um... noticing me?” He winced, trying hard to explain himself without giving his mom too much insight into the way his brain hated him. “And.. Connor figured if we, you know, if people knew we were friends, it would just make us _both_ targets for the people who bullied him. And, I mean, he always said he was _used_ to it and didn’t give a shit-“ he paused, glancing anxiously at his mom, but she didn’t scold him for cursing.

He let out a sigh, shaking his head. “He cared, though. He cared more than he let people know. And he hated it. And he didn’t want me to have to deal with any of that. So.. so we just kept it to ourselves.”

“You didn’t even tell Jared, though? You guys could have hung out toge-“

Evan scoffed at her, swiping away some more tears that had fallen. “Jared was just as cruel to Connor as the other bullies. And to me. He’s only friends with me so parents will pay his car insurance.”

“Oh, Evan, I’m sure that’s not-“

“He’s _told_ me to my _face_ that that’s the only reason he talks to me,” he snapped bitterly.

Heidi frowned, making a mental note to talk to Mrs. Kleinman...

“Okay, Evan, it’s okay. But where did you hang out? I don’t understand where you boys went that no one ever saw you together...”

Evan sniffled, shrugging. “We spent most of our time here. You just weren’t home to see us hanging out.”

Heidi felt like someone had stabbed her with a rusty knife. One more reminder that she was absent from her son’s life more often than not.

“And he didn’t get along with his family, especially his dad. So, we never went there.”

Heidi frowned; Evan was becoming visibly agitated again. She rubbed his arm. “Okay, we don’t have to talk about it, anymore, okay?”

Evan nodded, reaching for his soda and sipping it. He still couldn’t bring himself to eat; his stomach was twisting into knots just at the _idea_ of trying to consume food.

“But...” She paused when he frowned at her, his eyes begging her to drop it. “Mrs. Murphy’s offer, to have us for dinner? Are you up to that?”

Evan hesitated. He really didn’t want to go. On the one hand, Connor _hadn't_ gotten along with his family. And he knew they’d ask questions that Connor might not want them having answers to. On the other hand, he knew Connor regretted that his relationship with them had become so broken, and he’d expressed to Evan his desire to try to repair things.

“I guess,” Evan said uncertainly. “You’ll... you’ll go with me?”

“Of course,” Heidi said firmly. “I’ll be right by your side.”

Evan nodded, swallowing another sip of soda.

“Disney movies?” Heidi asked suddenly, knowing Evan needed a change of subject before he fell apart again. When he nodded, she grabbed the remote and settled in. Evan hesitated before resting his head on her shoulder. She wrapped her arm around him and turned on Hercules.

~*~*~

Friday came too soon. Evan didn’t feel ready for it, but he knew he never _would_ be, and getting it over with sooner rather than later would probably make it easier.

“Ready?”

When he nodded, Heidi knocked on the door of the giant house.

The door swung open, and Mr. and Mrs. Murphy greeted them, Zoe sulking in the background.

“Evan, Heidi! Come in, come in. Oh, it’s so good to see you both.”

She greeted them like they were old friends, and Evan tried his best to not snort or scoff at her.

They congregated in the living room, where Larry handed out wine to the adults and sodas to Evan and Zoe. They sat around in the various couches and chairs, an awkward silence enveloping them.

Of course Zoe was the first time break it.

“You and my brother were friends?” She asked, her voice holding a note of disbelief and just a touch of anger.

Evan nodded at her, sipping his soda so he could delay giving a verbal answer.

“Okay but the only time I ever saw you with my brother, he was shoving you at school.”

“He _shoved_ you?!?” Cynthia asked in alarm.

“It was a misunderstanding, I fell,” Evan said quickly.

“What? No! I was _there_ , I saw the _whole_ thing,” Zoe argued. “He _pushed_ you, hard.”

“Oh, right, see... it was just a misunderstanding. He didn’t want us talking at-at school, and I tried to. I mean, I tried talking to him at school and he- yeah.”

“Why didn’t he want you talking at school?” Larry asked in confusion.

“I- well, no one knew we were- um, we just didn’t want anyone knowing we were friends, right, so... so....”

“Why not?” Zoe demanded.

Heidi rubbed his arm. “Can you please lighten up with the third degree?” She demanded. “The boys were friends and had their reasons to not talk at school. If you push my son into a panic attack, we’ll be leaving and we won’t be coming back.”

Evan sank gratefully into his mother’s side.

“I’m sorry,” Cynthia said softly, shaking her head. “I just.. I’m trying to understand. Connor had his walls up for _so_ long, he wouldn’t let us in... I just want to understand.”

Heidi opened her mouth to snap again, but Evan shook his head and she frowned at him.

“Connor was bullied a lot,” Evan finally said. “And I have, um, I have bad anxiety. And Connor was a good friend - he didn’t want people bullying me for associating with him. And-and I’m sorry, I know that’s probably not what you want to hear. But I’m.. it’s the truth.”

Cynthia whimpered, putting a hand to her mouth. She knew Connor had been bullied, for years. But it still stung hearing it from his friend, especially after he’d- she shook her head, she couldn’t finish the thought.

“I believe you,” Zoe said quietly. She’d seen her brother get shoved into lockers, get called a freak, a school shooter, all of that. And it was _very_ clear Evan was an anxious person. But she also hated it because it meant her brother had been a _good_ person, one who thought about other people before himself.

“Where did you two... hang out?” Larry asked hesitantly, the words feeling foreign on his tongue.

“Mostly at-at my house, but-“

“And you didn’t know they were friends?” Larry asked Heidi, frowning at her.

“Hey, I’m a single mom, okay?” She snapped, immediately going on the defense. “I work crazy hours and I’m going to classes to get a better job. I‘m not home a lot, and I _hate it_. I hate that I don’t get to spend time with my son.”

Evan winced. “Please-“

Larry put his hands up, shaking his head. “I’m not judging your parenting style, Mrs. Hansen. I just... like my wife said, we’re trying to understand.”

Heidi huffed, nodding. “Call me Heidi.“

Larry nodded, then glanced at Evan. “Where else did you-?”

“The orchard,” Evan blurted.

“The- the orchard? The one we went to when he and Zoe were kids? He remembered that place?” Cynthia asked, eyes wide with hope.

“Isn’t it closed now?” Larry questioned.

Evan nodded. “We, um...” he cleared his throat. “We broke in? A few times? I-I mean, it’s not exactly fenced off or anything, and Connor said it was one of the last places you guys all went before everything went to hell and he had some really happy memories there, and-and-“

“Evan, breathe.” Heidi reminded him, rubbing his arm.

He nodded, sighing. “We also spent time at Ellison State Park. I, um... I worked there over the summer, and he’d come hang out on my lunch breaks.” Evan paused, picking at his cast. “He’s... he’s the one who, um, he found me after my f-fall.”

“You told me your boss found you,” Heidi reminded him.

Evan shrugged. “I lied. He- Connor was coming for lunch, our usual spot. But he was late, so... so I decided to climb a tree while I waited, and-“

“You just.... randomly climbed a tree?” Zoe questioned.

“N-no? I love climbing trees. I’ve been climbing trees since I was, um... I dunno, maybe ten? I love trees. It’s why I worked as an apprentice park ranger. So... so... yeah,” he finished lamely.

“Did Connor ever... did he talk about us?” Cynthia asked hesitantly.

Evan frowned. Did they want the truth? It wasn’t pretty... Cynthia must have seen the look in his eyes because she quickly added, “Please.”

Evan sighed, bracing himself. “Connor... he didn’t hate any of you, if it makes it easier,” he said quickly. “He just...”

He paused, turning first to Larry. “He hated that he couldn’t be the son you wanted. And he hated the way you treated him like a complete screw up. It really hurt him when you said he tried to kill himself for attention the first time. He was genuinely hurting, and he didn’t know how to ask for help. He thought he was too far gone to even _deserve_ help.”

He turned to Cynthia. “He was sick of all the fads and trends and health diets. He knew you meant well, but he _just_ wanted plain old therapy and pills. He just wanted you to hold him and tell him it would be okay. He wanted to let you in, but he was scared of his anger and scared he’d hurt you.”

He turned to Zoe, who flinched back. “He _hated_ himself for how he treated you, for all those nights he pounded on your door and screamed at you and threatened to kill you. He _never_ would have actually hurt you, but he knew his intentions didn’t matter, his actions did. You had _every_ right to hate him and be scared of him. He still loved you, though. He was _super_ protective of you. That’s part of why he-“ he blushed, staring at his lap. “He wanted to apologize and try to make things right with you.”

He looked at all of them now. “With all of you. He wanted to try. He wanted to go to therapy and get on medicine and get better and TRY. Even if he knew some of what he’d done was unforgivable. He wanted to at least try. He just... he didn’t know how to even start. He was scared to ask for help because he didn’t think he’d get it, since you thought he was just faking it for the attention.”

Cynthia and Larry looked shocked, like they couldn’t believe what they were hearing. Neither seemed able to speak. But Zoe was scowling at Evan, looking _pissed_. And confused.

“Wait,” Zoe said, brushing away angry tears. “Part of what?”

“What?” Evan squeaked.

“You said him being protective of me was part of why he did something. Part of what?”

“I.. No? I... I just... What?” Evan was starting to panic. He hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t meant to open _that_ can of worms.

“Evan?” Heidi asked gently, rubbing his back.

Evan swallowed, shaking his head. But everyone was staring at him. He looked down at his lap. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t say this in front of everyone. Everyone would hate him. Zoe would look at him with disgust. His mom would be disappointed in him, maybe disown him. The Murphy’s would hate him, and probably think he was taking attention away from their son’s death.

“Evan,” Heidi said softly, trying to force him to make eye contact with her. “Evan, you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about.”

“Are you kidding me?” Zoe snapped. “Isn’t that why he’s _here_? To tell us about Connor and their amazing friendship, and what an amazing fucking person Connor was? Isn’t that the whole point? To make me feel like shit for hating him?”

“Zoe,” Larry scolded, just as Evan cried, “No! Not at all!”

“And yet his letter says otherwise. ‘All my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me.’ Why the fuck would he say that? And who’s fault was that, anyway?”

“No no no,” Evan groaned, shaking his head. “That wasn’t it at all.”

“What else is it, then?” Zoe snapped. “Because I’m _not_ going to cry for a brother who threatened to _kill_ me, no matter _how much_ his hopes were all fucking pinned on me. That _doesn't_ change the fact that he _threatened to kill me_. Why would he even _say that_ in his note if-“

“IT WASN’T HIS NOTE,” Evan screamed, jumping off the couch and pacing the living room, feeling the beginnings of a panic attack creeping up on him.

“What?” Cynthia asked, startled. Zoe’s eyes went wide with shock, and Larry was frozen, staring at him.

“It was- he didn’t write it. I wrote it. It was mine.”

The room fell silent.

Heidi stared at her son, at a loss for words. If it was Evan’s letter... If it had been mistaken for someone’s suicide note.... Her eyes fell to Evan’s arm, her mouth going dry.

“I was writing it in the computer lab and he-he came to apologize for shoving me. And he had grabbed it off the printer and... and..” he shook his head. “And he realized what... He knew immediately... but he also... the part about...” He stared at Zoe, cheeks flaming, before looking away.

Cynthia glanced at Heidi. Her Mom Intuition was going off like an alarm in her head. She stood, pulling the folded note out of her pocket and carefully handing it to Heidi. She sat back down without a word.

Zoe was staring at Evan, the implications of what this might mean dawning on her.

Heidi read the note, her heart breaking. She crumpled it in her hand, staring up at Evan with tears in her eyes.

“I don’t...” Heidi cut herself off. Evan looked up at her with shame in his eyes. And then he bolted upstairs.

Heidi was frozen on the couch, gripping the crumpled note tightly.

“I-I should..” She stared in the direction Evan had gone, but couldn’t move. Cynthia stood, hurrying to her side and wrapping her arms around the other mother. Heidi sniffled, sinking gratefully into Cynthia’s arms.

“Someone should...” Larry paused, pointing up the stairs.

Zoe rolled her eyes and stood. Without a word, she went in search of Evan. She found him in Connor’s room, sitting on his bed and leafing through the comic books piled on his night table. He jumped up when she knocked, looking at her with wide eyes.

“I-I’m sorry, I just...”

She pointed at his cast. “Fell?”

He flinched, chewing on his lip. She nodded, his reaction answer enough. “Is that why you and my brother got along? You both tried to kill yourselves? Or, I guess he succeeded, so...”

Evan whimpered, eyes filling with tears.

“Sorry,” Zoe said quickly. “You were his friend, I shouldn’t- it’s just hard, okay? Connor was so cruel to me... it’s hard to reconcile the Connor I knew from the one you described.”

Evan nodded, glad she wasn’t going to press him on his fall. “I know. I’m sorry. He really did love you, and he really did regret what he said. I- that’s- I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings. It doesn’t matter... Like I said, his intentions didn’t matter, his actions did. He knew that.”

Zoe nodded. “I... I don’t know how to feel about this, okay? I need time to process it.”

Evan nodded.

“But... the note. If you wrote the note... the part about me...?”

Evan stepped backwards, hands up, shaking his head. “It’s not- I’m sorry. I- just... I shouldn’t be talking to you about this when Connor just- please forget I said anything.”

Zoe shook her head, stepping closer. “Why did you write that?” When it became clear that Evan had NO intention of answering, she reached out tentatively and touched his arm. She pulled back when he flinched away. “Please.”

Evan bit the inside of his cheek so hard, he tasted blood. Shit. He couldn’t lie to her. She was emotional and vulnerable, and lying would hurt more.

“I just, um... I-I like you? I’m _so_ sorry, that’s so weird, especially given the circumstances. I just.. the letter sounds _so_ creepy out of context but I swear- It wasn’t meant like that. I just... I just... it’s a therapy letter? To talk about why it’s going to be a good day. And I’ve liked you for awhile... I just think you seem really, um, cool..? And I just wanted to get to know you. And... and I guess Connor took it the wrong way. You know how he was, his anxiety made him paranoid. It made him think I was just using him to get close to you, and I _swear_ I wasn’t. I swear, Zoe! He _really was_ my friend, and I can’t believe he’s- But... but he took my letter and told me to fuck off and he _left_. And then I guess he....”

Zoe felt tears in her eyes again. And she didn’t want to cry, she really didn’t. But..

“I’m sure that wasn’t _the reason_ why he... But I feel like it was _kind of_ my fault, and I just...” Evan shrugged, feeling gross and horrible. “I’m sorry, you _don't_ need me saying this when you’re.. after everything..”

“Shut up, okay?” Zoe snapped. She sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I’m sorry. I... just stop apologizing, okay? I just... I can’t think about this yet, okay? Maybe after... We can talk, okay?”

Evan nodded, picking at his cast.

“I’m sorry.. I guess you’re gonna have to answer a LOT of questions from your mom now because of me...”

Evan shrugged. “It would have come up eventually, I guess..”

“Why would you... why would you try to..?” Zoe knew it wasn’t her business to ask, but maybe if she could understand why someone like Evan Hansen had tried to kill himself, maybe she’d understand why her brother _had_ killed himself.

Evan sank back down onto Connor’s bed.

“I... I don’t know. I just felt... so _alone_. Like I was a burden to my mom. Like I was taking up space I didn’t deserve. And then Connor and I started hanging out and... and that _helped_. Especially since he, you know, understood what it was like. Having a brain that hates you, I mean. But it didn’t change how I felt. Still. Like I was a burden. Only, I felt like a burden to my mom _and_ to Connor because he had enough going on, he didn’t need to hear my shit, too.”

Evan paused, shaking his head. “I was alone at work one day. And Connor was late. And I just... I thought, how simple, right? How easy to just.. climb and let go, and let gravity do the work. And then he’d find me and everyone would think it was an accident, and then my mom wouldn’t have the burden of a kid who had committed suicide.”

“I’m sorry,” Zoe cut him off. “We don’t have to talk about this anymore. I just... I was-”

Evan nodded.

“We should go back downstairs. They’re probably waiting for us, and dinner-“

“I’m not hungry.”

“Neither am I,” Zoe admitted. “But we should try. For them. And Connor.”

Evan nodded, reluctantly standing up. Zoe tentatively reached out, giving his hand a squeeze, before letting go and leading the way downstairs.

~*~*~

The ride home was awkward and tense. Heidi had barely been able to look at Evan since his confession. She probably hated him, was probably disgusted by how weak and pathetic he was..

When they got home, he immediately tried to escape upstairs. But Heidi stopped him with a soft “Evan.”

“We don’t have to talk about...” She pointed as his cast, before feeling pathetic and letting her arm fall to her side again. “We don’t have to talk about it today. But we do eventually. And I’m scheduling you an appointment with Dr. Sherman for Monday after school. I think it would be good for you to go before the funeral Tuesday.”

Evan flinched, but nodded, staring at the ground. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, honey,” Heidi sighed. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have realized how- I should have known. Just... go relax okay? Get some rest and I’ll bring some tea up later, okay?”

~*~*~

Evan got changed into pajamas, even though it was only 8pm, and curled into bed. He was flipping through pictures of him and Connor on his phone when Heidi poked her head in.

“Sweetie, Jared is here.”

Evan locked his phone, dropping it on the bed beside him. He nodded, though a bit reluctantly.

“I can tell him to leave,” Heidi said firmly.

“No.. it’s okay. I might as well just get this over with.”

Heidi nodded. “Okay, but I’m _right_ downstairs if you need me.” She walked back downstairs and, a minute later, Jared was walking into his room.

Jared stared at him, and Evan stared back.

“So when were you gonna tell me you were friends with the school freak?”

“Well, I wasn’t,” Evan said honestly, shrugging. “Gee, I wonder why.”

Jared scowled. “Cool, cool. So, what? You guys made a suicide pact and he jumped the gun? Or the pills, I guess?”

Evan clenched the sheets. “You can leave now.”

“Evan-“

“Fuck. Off.” Evan snarled, turning onto his side and curling into himself. Tears filled his eyes, but he blinked them away. He refused to cry in front of Jared.

“Shit, Evan, I’m - I’m sorry, dude,” he finally huffed. “I’m... You know I’m shit at this kinda... shit.”

“Yes, you’re shit.”

Jared scowled. “Yeah, okay, I deserve that. I clearly haven’t been a good friend to you if you didn’t think you could tell me you and Connor were friends.”

“A good friend? You’re the one who always reminds me we’re just _family_ friends,” Evan reminded him.

Jared hung his head. “Yeah, my douche ass deserved that too.”

Evan didn’t respond.

“Okay, okay,” Jared sighed. “I was a dick and I’m genuinely sorry.”

Evan shifted, sitting back up against his pillows. He frowned at Jared. “I actually think I believe you.”

Jared seemed to visibly relax.

“Can I ask you a question, though? All jokes aside. I promise I won’t tell anyone if you, like, get sentimental or cry or whatever.”

Jared hesitated. He didn’t like where this was going... “Okay?”

“How did you know I’d..” He nodded at his arm. “You said... You joked about Connor and I having a suicide pact. How did you know I didn’t just...?”

“You’re Evan Hansen. You’ve been climbing trees since you were ten. You don’t _just_ fall.”

“Oh,” Evan mumbled.

“Plus, I didn’t really know. I made the joke and you confirmed what I was already wondering.”

“Oh...” Evan sighed, running his good hands through is hair. “Shit.”

“Yeah.” Jared sat on the end of Evan’s bed. “So... you really...?” When Evan nodded, he paled. “Fuck, Evan, I’m sorry. If I’d been a better friend-“

Evan shook his head. “No, it’s not your fault. I mean, I was friends with Connor and I still felt alone enough to, you know..”

“How did _that_ even happen?”

Evan scowled, already going on the defense.

“Hey, didn’t mean it like that,” Jared said, hands up. “Genuinely curious.”

“We, um.. We met back in February. I was... it was a bad day. So. I, um.. I ran out of class because I was having a panic attack and-and I ran into him in the hall. Like, literally. I ran right into him and we both hit the ground and-and I _thought_ \- based on his reputation and the look he was giving me - that he was going to kill me. But, I don’t know... maybe he realized I was having a panic attack, I don’t know. But he sat on the floor with me until I calmed down. And then I was still crying because I felt so _dumb_. And he made a joke.. But, not a cruel joke. He was trying to make me laugh, I guess. So.. yeah. We just kept hanging out after that.”

Jared nodded. “’I’m... You know I suck at saying comforting shit. But.. I really am sorry he’s gone, dude. And I’m sorry I wasn’t a good enough friend to you. I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could tell me about it.”

Evan shrugged. “It’s fine.”

They were silent for a minute.

“Um...” Evan paused, shaking his head. 

“What?”

“It’s not... It’s fine..”

“Hey, Evan,” Jared pressed. “Come on, I can’t be a better friend to you if you don’t give me a chance.”

“His funeral is Tuesday,” Evan blurted. “And my mom, um... She... Well, you don’t know this but.. I go to therapy..?” He paused, waiting for Jared to crack a joke, but he didn’t. “And.. My mom made me an extra appointment for Monday, for before the funeral and... Can-can you drive me on Monday? I just.. If my mom does, she’ll want to talk about it after. And I really don’t want to cry on the bus. So...”

“For sure, dude,” Jared said immediately. “After school, right? I’ll be here.”

“Thanks,” he said. “Also...” He stared at the sheets, taking a deep breath. “Will you.. Will you go to the funeral with me? I-I mean, my mom is going, too, so we could all.. I just.. I can’t...”

“Yeah, of course,” Jared said quickly, to save Evan from having to ramble on.

Evan nodded, grateful.

Jared stood. “So, um.. I’m gonna let you get some rest. But.. I really am sorry, and I’m here if you need anything. I suck at comfort but.. We can drink and play video games.”

“Cool,” Evan said, forcing a small smile. Thanks, Jar.”

Jared nodded, then left.

Evan was finally alone with his thoughts. Which probably wasn’t a good thing..

~*~*~

The weekend came and went too quickly, as did Monday. Before Evan could even process it, it was the Tuesday and he was getting dressed for Connor’s funeral.

The funeral itself was mostly a blur for Evan. The Murphy’s insisted he stick close to them, and when he broke down halfway through, both Heidi and Cynthia pulled him in for a hug to comfort him 

The only other thing that stood out was the fact that it was closed casket. He was grateful for that - he didn’t think he could handle an open casket.

Heidi and Jared didn’t try to engage him in conversation on the ride back to the Murphy’s after, which he was also grateful for. His brain couldn’t have formed words even if he’d tried. He stared out the window, picking at his cast, still wondering if he was dreaming and if he’d ever wake up.

Most of the people at the Murphy’s appeared to be family and friends of Larry and Cynthia. Evan recognizes a few of Zoe’s jazz band friends, but he didn’t recognize anyone else from school.

Heidi checked in with him once in awhile, but she mostly ran around, trying to help Cynthia with greeting guests and cleaning up garbage. He could tell Cynthia appreciated the help. At one point, she broke down in Heidi’s arms.

Jared stuck close to Evan’s side the whole time. He really was trying to be a better friend. Evan was especially grateful for his presence when people would wander over and ask Evan how he knew Connor; between his grief and his anxiety, he would freeze and choke on his words. Jared would smoothly step in and explain that he was Connor’s best friend. Evan then had to endure being cooed over. Connor’s relatives, especially, would ask how they met and how long they’d been friends. If Jared hadn’t been there, Evan was positive he would have had a panic attack over all the attention. 

Still, he reached a point where he couldn’t handle one more person coming up and engaging him in conversation, and he escaped upstairs to Connor’s room. He sat on Connor’s bed, hugging a pillow to himself, trying to calm his breathing. 

“Hey.”

Evan jumped, relaxing when he saw it was Zoe.

“Sorry. I saw you come up here and I-“ she hesitated, shrugging. “I dunno.”

She sat beside him on the bed.

“How are you holding up?”

Evan shrugged. “Not great. You?”

Zoe shrugged. “It’s still hard to accept that he’s gone, and it’s hard to care. I’m sorry, I know you guys were friends and he was nice to you. But that isn’t the side of him I saw, and it’s-“

Evan put his hand on Zoe’s. She looked up, startled. 

“Sorry, I just-“ He pulled away, but she stopped him by resting her other hand on top of his.

“Not yet, because I’m not ready. But at some point... do you think you could tell me some good memories you have of him?” Zoe asked softly, staring at their hands. 

Evan nodded. “Yeah. I-I don’t think I’m ready either. But at some point, yeah.”

“Thanks.” She hesitated before hugging him. “Even if I hate his guts right now, it really means a lot knowing he had SOMEONE he could talk to.” She stood, shuffling into the middle of the room. She looked around, sighing. “I’d better get back before they wonder where I am. You can hide up here for as long as you need.”

Evan watched her go. He stared around the room. He and Connor had never hung out here. The first time he’d been in Connor’s room had been that night at the Murphy Family Dinner.

He tried to picture Connor sitting at his desk doing homework, or laying in bed reading comics. All things he’d never do again. 

Evan curled into a ball on Connor’s bed and sobbed for all the things Connor would never get to do, and all the things they’d never get to do together.

**-*-*-*-**

**A month after the funeral.**

**-*-*-*-**

Evan was supposed to be on his way to Dr. Sherman. He’d texted his mom when he got on the bus, had promised to text when he got there. He knew they’d call her to ask where he was when he didn’t show. But he didn’t care. He felt bad that she would worry, but he needed to do something. He hoped she would understand.

That was how he found himself at Connor’s grave, sitting in grass that was wet from a heavy rain. It soaked through his jeans. He didn’t care. He stared straight ahead at Connor’s gravestone, feeling numb. Cynthia had invited him to come to the official unveiling two weeks ago, but he’d refused. He felt guilty, especially when she’d been so nice and understanding about it. But he’d felt like a shitty person and an even shittier friend. 

So here he was now. 

“Hey,” Evan said softly. “It’s been a month and... I still miss you.” He hung his head, feeling like an idiot, talking to himself. “Life without you has been shitty. I miss talking to you. I miss hanging out after school and making fun of cheesy horror movies while we eat pizza.”

He ran a hand roughly through his hair, blinking back tears. “I wish you’d told me how you were feeling. I wish you’d just... I wish you hadn’t....” He shook his head. “Maybe talking about it wouldn’t have helped. I mean, I still... ya know. But maybe it would have. I just.. I just wish we hadn’t fought right before... It was the last thing we...” He blinked back tears. “I just wish you knew how much your friendship mattered to me. I wish you hadn’t died thinking I using you to get close to Zoe. I just...”

He choked up as his tears consumed him. He cried until his throat was raw and his eyes felt puffy and gritty. He lost track of time, his mind numb and dazed, until...

“Evan..?”

He jumped, turning. His mom and Jared both stood before him. He stood slowly, cold, wet and achey from crying on the hard ground for who knew how long.

Heidi walked cautiously towards him. When he didn’t flinch away, she wrapped him in a tight hug.

“I was _so_ worried when Dr. Sherman’s office called and said you hadn’t shown up. Oh, Evan.” She rubbed his back and he started crying again. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.” He sniffled, pulling away. “I just... I miss him so much. I still can’t- I can’t-“

“Oh, sweetie,” Heidi said, rubbing his arm. “Come on, let’s get you home and get you warmed up, okay?” She steered him away from the grave, and Jared patted his shoulder. Together, they walked away and headed home.

**-*-*-*-**

**Three months after the funeral.**

**-*-*-*-**

Evan stared at the Murphy’s front door for ten minutes before he bucked up the courage to knock.

Cynthia opened it. She’d clearly been crying, but she smiled when she saw him and pulled him in for a hug. 

“It’s good to see you, Evan. How are you?” She shut the door behind him

“Okay, I guess. You?”

She shrugged, chin trembling. “You just go on up and take your time. Whatever you want, okay? I’ve already gone through and put aside the few things that have a lot of sentimental value.”

Evan nodded, walking upstairs to Connor’s room. He stared around, feeling weird. But Cynthia had insisted he take whatever reminded him of Connor and their friendship. 

After picking up and putting down several different items of potential interest, he wandered over to the pile of books Connor kept on his nightstand. He picked each one up and flipped through them, hesitating before picking up The Little Prince - Connor’s favorite.

When he picked it up and flipped it open, though, a piece of paper fluttered out. He frowned, picking it up. He almost put it back in the book without reading it - he didn’t want to snoop through Connor’s private letters, if that’s what this was - but he could see his name through the paper. He frowned in confusion, unfolding it.

His heart dropped.

**Evan,**

**I don’t know how long after you’ll find this, if you find it at all. Hopefully not too long after because I don’t want you to feel guilty. I know you, you’re probably gonna feel guilty even if I tell you not to. But I’m still saying it. Life is just shitty. But thanks for being a good friend. You really did make the last few months better. And I’m cool with you liking my sister. Just don’t be an ass or break her heart or whatever.**

**Sorry we fought.**

**I’ll see you on the other side. But hopefully not for, like, 70 or 80 years.**

**Connor**

Evan stared at the letter, reading it over about a dozen times. If it weren’t for the fact that it was written in Connor’s very distinct chicken scratch, he’d think he was being pranked somehow. But it was _definitely_ from Connor.

“Did you decide on anything?”

He stuffed the letter back into the book and stood, nodding at Cynthia. 

“Just that? You can take more than one thing, Evan,” Cynthia reminded him. Then she noticed his tears. “Hey, it’s okay, you can come back in a few day’s and look again, okay, sweetie?”

He nodded quickly, then mumbled an excuse about needing to get home for dinner, bolting out the door. He made it two blocks before he stopped and broke down.

~*~*~

That night, he sat on his bed and read the letter another dozen times. He wasn’t sure if it helped or hurt. He was glad Connor didn’t hate him, relieved that he knew Evan hadn’t been using him to get to Zoe.

But it still hurt. He couldn’t really explain to himself why, but it did. 

He carefully folded the note and put it in the drawer of his nightstand. He picked The Little Prince up and stared at the cover for a long time before opening the book up and reading it.

**-*-*-*-**

**One Year After Connor’s Death**

**-*-*-*-**

“I’m sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve visited,” Evan said, placing some flowers in front of Connor’s gravestone. He sat cross-legged on the ground, picking at the grass. “Life has been kinda crazy, with finishing up senior year and last-minute summer internships and all that.”

“I started classes at the community college. It’s been alright. I’m also working, to save for going _away_ to college next year. It kinda sucks, trying to balance work and class, but I’m being more social than ever before. You’d be proud of me.”

“I never really thanked you for your letter. You’re right, I still feel guilty. I should have known you weren’t in a good headspace. I should have done more to help you. But.. thank you. It helps, knowing you didn’t actually think I was just using you to get close to Zoe. You were my best friend, Connor, and I’ll _never_ forget you or forget how much your friendship meant to me.”

He paused, throwing down the grass he’d picked. “Speaking of Zoe, we _have_ been hanging out more. I don’t know if we’re dating officially or whatever, but I think I might ask her to make it official soon. It’s been, um.... four months now, I think? I promise I’ll treat her well and I won’t break her heart. If she’ll even have me.”

He sighed, closing his eyes. “I still wish you were here. But I hope you’re at peace wherever you are. And you’ll never be forgotten. I promise, Connor.”

He stood, wiping grass off his pants. “I’ll be back. This won’t be my last visit. I promise that, too. It might be harder to come as often, with class and all that, but I swear I will.”

He stepped forward and rested his hand on Connor’s gravestone. He jumped, pulling his hand away; it felt like he’d gotten a static shock. That wasn’t possible, though... Right? 

He chuckled. “Always have to have the last word, huh?” He shook his head before turning and heading in the direction of the parking lot. A breeze kicked up and he shivered; it felt like Connor was there, telling him it would be alright.

And for the first time in a year, he actually believed that everything _would_ be alright.


End file.
